


everything, yet nothing

by tanizaki



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Analysis, Depression, Fear, Gen, Insecurity, i love oikawa... i swear.....
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 03:51:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7785676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tanizaki/pseuds/tanizaki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Oikawa Tooru was a young boy, he had big dreams and was full of hope. Wanted to achieve his goals, wanted the freedom and the success. He was a happy boy with the stars in his eyes.</p><p>Until he grew up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	everything, yet nothing

**Author's Note:**

> i was supposed to be sleeping but then i thought
> 
> what if oikawa was like SAD

When Oikawa Tooru was a young boy, he had big dreams and was full of hope. Wanted to achieve his goals, wanted the freedom and the success. He was a happy boy with the stars in his eyes.

 

Until he grew up.

 

Oikawa knows it's stupid to waste time worrying about the future when there's so much happening in the present, yet he still does it. When he wakes up, during a boring lesson, in the middle of the night, you name it. It's like his own brain is out to get him, barging in and shouting, "Hey, time for another Crisis!"

  
  
He worries about everything. Would he manage to be accepted into his first choice? Is he good enough to get a scholarship? Would his new teammates welcome and accept him? Would he be able to make new friends and fit in? Would he still have time to see his current friends? Will they still remember him?

  
  
In the quiet of the night, when there's nothing to distract him from his fears, his worries. He lies there in his bed, eyes filled with unshed tears, and he thinks. Oikawa's not one to back down from a challenge, but when the challenge is the uncertainty of his incoming future, he's not quite sure what to do.

 

  
"I'm scared," Oikawa admits one night, surrounded by darkness. "I'm scared and I don't want to stay scared."

  
  
But the problem is, he doesn't know how to change that.

 

Over-thinking has always been one of his major weakness. It's usually more of a bad thing than a good one, and now is no exception.

  
  
He's been relied on for his strength and his perceptiveness, but how far can it bring him without much talent? He'll be overshadowed and cast aside without a second thought, placed on the sidelines and ignored.

  
  
He's not special, probably even less than average. Honestly, he's full of self-doubt and low confidence.

  
  
All in all, he's terrified. Try as he might, he can't get rid of this fear of his, covering it up with playful banter and jokes whenever everything feels a bit too much.

  
  
He's tired of it being this way, trying and trying but not making much progress. And when he fails he can't help but drown himself in a pool of his own self-pity. Desperate for approval, he gives his all, covering up his insecurities with a mask that eats him up inside. Being captain, Oikawa makes sure he shows no sign of hesitation or anything that suggests that he's having second thoughts. He doesn't want apologies, or pity, or anything of that sort. What he wants is to win.

  
  
But is it really this easy? Cover up your emotions and you'll succeed? Of course not. As if anything is that simple. If it really was like that, he wouldn't be here worrying his ass off.

 

He's never really had any problem talking to strangers or making friends, but sometimes even among people you know, you sort of feel that you just don't really fit in. He doesn't want to be left behind, doesn't want to be excluded, doesn't want to be overlooked, so he tries. So Oikawa smiles, he laughs, he jokes. If he manages to convince others, maybe it would work on himself as well. Truthfully, he knows it doesn't, yet he still tries. At this point he's probably willing to do just about anything.

 

Sometimes classmates, teachers, friends, they ask, “What is your greatest fear?”, but Oikawa never has an answer. How is it possible to choose between the million irrational fears he comes up with day and night?

 

He's scared of everything. Scared that he won't find happiness. Scared that he won't achieve what he's capable of. Scared about the future, about his life, about _everything._ He's scared of being scared and he wonders what he's done to deserve this mess of a life. He's been working so hard and climbing so high, but the over looming possibility of losing it all with just a simple mistake is so apparent he can't ignore it, so he does what he knows how to do: he stresses. He buries deep within himself, detaching himself from his surroundings.

 

Looks mean a lot. It's the only thing he knows. So he puts up a front; he's always been a good actor. It might fool others, but it's not fooling himself. Oikawa on the outside is most definitely not the same as Oikawa in the inside. His insecurities and anxiety creates a black hole in his heart but he's just not bothered enough to try to get rid of it. When he tries to search for his motivation or his ambition, the only thing he finds is static, a dead-end.

 

As he grew, he learnt that not everyone gets their happy ending. Not everyone lives their dreams, and not everyone succeeds. He craves for a happy ending of his own, but how can he find hope in a dead dream?

 

Oikawa Tooru is a young man, who was once full of aspirations and ambition, a young man who used to dream of the world, who wanted the universe, the stars and the moon.

 

But not anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> whoops
> 
> wrote this at 3 am and now im looking at this like holy shit man what happened
> 
> hmu @yuriochan.tumblr.com
> 
> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated


End file.
